My intelligent First Born

Just browsing through some old videos and found a few of my oldest son Titus. He was (and still is) one smart kid. In the video above he was 13 months old. He has always been so bright. And I know he is destined for greatness.

Dear Imaginary Friend

Hey! How's it going? I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

I'm writing this to you to tell you that you are actually a really crappy friend. I mean, you're so unrealistic and distant. You never speak to me out of your own free will. Do you even have a free will? I have done a really good job of making you into who you are. The least you could do is be real with me for once.

Okay, I admit it... I haven't really truly spoken to you since childhood....and even then... I don't really remember hanging out with you much at all if ever... But still. I need you now. So that's what this is about...my needs. So, I'll just come out with it...

I am super lonely! Like, the weird kind of lonely...people all around, but still alone. Feeling misunderstood. Feeling overwhelmed by my inability to be like...everyone else. How is it that they seem to be all the same? I get a ton of attention from all the things that are demanded of me, but to be listened to and poured into?....I'm pretty dry. But maybe that's just where I am...a dry place. So, old friend... feel like hanging out? I mean, you like all the things I like, right? You really want to hear everything I have to say? Really? Well, if you insist. And you want to hang out? Okay! Awesome! Oh, and you like art even? That's perfect! Let's  ride our pink motorcycles down to the water. We'll have a mini food picnic (With these mini cupcakes I made) and then jump off the dock into the sparkling rainbow water! What did you say? I have a perfect tan? Aww, thanks! Yeah, my tan is perfect because this is all imaginary. Now let's swim to the other side of the lake to that grassy sunny island, k? With the little hills and flowers. Then your Mom can make us sweet tea and we'll have everyone else over to hang out for the party.

Oh, you made me a cake? Oh! You shouldn't have. You even drew my face on it? Wow! It looks just like me! You are so much more talented than I am. What's that? A sleepover? Yes! I'm in. I just happen to have my ultra soft cushiony roll out bed and pillow. The stars sure are beautiful, aren't they? I wonder what they look like from heaven. Oh, you have a photo of that? Oh MY, so breathtaking. I so needed this time away from my boys. Wow, boys are crazy. They sure do love crazy craziness...and being...crazy. Sometimes I feel like ripping off my FACE. lol ...*awkward silence*.........Well, maybe just a little piece of it. It's a really good thing I love them as much as I do. Hey! Wanna go swimming? You go in first. Is it cold? lol! You look funny with your hair wet! Like a wet cat. LOL Well, I guess it's time to sleep. Ahh, this bed is so comfy.

Thanks for the good time, old friend.

(lol)

My Singing

I love Foster the People so I recorded myself singing to Helena Beat. It's not perfect but it was enjoyable. I haven't truly loved a band for so long... *sigh*.

Home Film School

Since I realized that film was what I wanted to do, I've been homeschooling myself as much as is possible with two young boys around. It hasn't been completely thorough I must admit, but I have been learning both first hand through little projects and also with books (Thank you Howard & Mabley, XP Media Bootcamp) as well as online with NYVS. Along this home educating journey I've had the privilege of visiting a film class at Concordia and I've been learning about framing and setting up shots through my own photography experimenting. I don't feel like a regular film student at all. During my visit to Concordia I was almost massacred by the other students when I admitted to not knowing the movie "Raiders of the Lost Ark". So it was a classic I missed....along with another 90% of "must see" films I'm sure. Yet still, I feel God pushing me on in this schooling and He sometimes surprises me...like last night. We saw the film "Hugo" which was totally unplanned. My parents showed up and we decided to go see something at the oh so classy Dollar Cinema. It was a family movie but I absolutely loved it. It was all about the beginning of film. I realized, those people who made movies at the very beginning didn't go to film school either... they invented the methods. They had fun and they were free to express in whatever way they wanted through this new magic called "film". This is how I feel seeing as I haven't been told by professors what I can or can't do. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to go to film school.....and I may have if I hadn't gotten pregnant when I did. But right now at this stage, I'm so elated to be on my own. And last night after the movie I felt God stirring my heart again about media. My father somehow managed to get us into the control room of the theatre and we had a personal explanation of how everything worked up there. Ha! It felt like a class trip. I was so excited I was bouncing while talking to Len on the way home and then, as I looked out my window my eye caught the huge Canon headquarters building. The second my eyes saw the "Canon" sign, it's lights came on and lit it up in bright red. Wow. What a hilarious moment. I took it as a smile from God.

A Group of Artists....together?

Starting a painting group tonight. I'm excited about it extremely because being a Mom I have no other excuse to sit down and paint for a few hours. This really gives me the chance to get it out of system every month. (Painting above is an unfinished of my husband. He's pretty painting worthy...) One thing I am hoping doesn't happen is that artists compare or feel less than others. This will create such a terrible vibe...no one will want to come back. It's going to be tricky making all the artists feel comfortable. Like especially if someone just decides to walk around and "observe" other's work. Gosh. I just pray it goes well because if it does, it could be a great oasis amid a lot of dry responsibility.

A Sobering Dream

I woke up suddenly at 5am today and immediately wrote this in my journal:

I just had a terrible dream. I was at a restaurant with Len and we were talking about life and such but there was a sort of sadness to it. The dream switched to a camp ground and things weren't functioning properly with the septic system and my parents were trying to deal with that but the same type of depression was in that portion of the dream. Suddenly Len and I were in the back seat of a car riding somewhere and I was talking about how great things were when Titus was alive... About how things used to be and I could see his sweet smile in my dream as clear as day. My heart started to twist and I cried as I said, "I can't believe he's gone..." Len said "Man, I miss that kid." through tears of his own. I knew that it was hard on Len because Titus and he were so close. I sobbed as I said "I had TWO boys! TWO. I had EVERYTHING." and I leaned down with my face on the seat deeply sobbing with pain and remorse. And all of this was so real I felt the finality of it. Everything in me was regretting and wishing and I guess the death had happened recently in the dream because I asked Len, "Didn't they try to revive him?" (I'm crying even as I write this) and he answered "Yes, I was right there. They tried 6 times." That was it. So hopeless and final. So terrible and horrifying. And right then, I woke up. I was lying there looking at my ceiling thanking God that it wasn't real. I went into my boy's room and saw Titus sleeping peacefully.

I'm pretty sure God is trying to teach me something because I know I've been really hard on Titus lately. And two days ago I saw this video which has a very similar story:

http://youtu.be/86GTxOw4p1E

And after checking on the boys I went to the table and opened the Bible and this is the scripture I landed on: "Whoever accepts a child in my Name accepts me." Point taken.

Got Milk Video Contest

I decided to finally enter another video contest. This was so hilarious to make. My husband was amazing to agree to dressing up as a carton of milk!

If you want to vote for me, you can go here:

http://zooppa.com/ads/its-just-not-breakfast-without-milk/videos

Guilty Until Proven Innocent

(Late night rant)

So I was driving around town the other day and was mildly hurt by the amount of people who seemed to be against my vehicle's objectives. Not that this is anything new; Driving around the city, everyone is in a race against all others to take their turn as quick as possible at any stop or intersection. Those angry impatient engine revving drive-bys, the constant bland frowns, so many giving the evil eye at any slight disruption of their daily trance. This day amazed me though because I was walking to my car with my hood up, bags in hand and my heavy 3-year-old on my hip when a man almost ran into us with his truck. I couldn't see him coming because of my hood. He then gave me that "shame on you" face as he sped by. Then I realized.... in this town, drivers treat one another as guilty from the start... guilty of having their own lives. I sometimes imagine the people out of their cars suddenly all walking to their destinations. Would they push and shove past each other like kindergarteners? Of course not. I guess we are all sitting in what we think are large battle robots that are above human courtesy. I'm not sure what caused this "I hate you, stranger" mentality, but it is too sad. Men, women, mothers and fathers, real people working and doing their best. We all function along side one another and we hate each other. I personally wasn't raised with such a thick skin possibly because I wasn't greatly wounded as a child, so maybe I just don't relate. Then what should I do? Start building up fresh walls of bitter? That seems even less appealing. So, I'll just keep putting myself out there.

See you on the roads. Just please don't run over me if you see me walking with my hood up.

Vacations Provoke Thought

So, we recently returned from a wonderful Cuba trip on which I spent a lot of time resting as well as assessing myself and my life. Seeing the contrast of my husband so lively and happy made me realize how very much stress he is under at home with all the work he has. We are both longing for something these days. It's like an unspoken trembling under the layers of work and responsibility. Almost like we just know that things are about to be different. Maybe this is just how it feels to be 28 with a spouse, two kids, and a small apartment and a blank slate in front of us. I would like nothing more than to relieve at least some of his burden.

My art has always been such a pinnacle part of who I am and I really think it's time to gain more focus in this area. All I want is to speak through my imagery whether that be by moving or still photography. If only a directional assistant could be designated for every freelance artist out there. All I can do is pray that the right doors open for me and continue to take care of my family and capture the beauty of life as I go. So as of now this blog will be an active outlet for my work whether in video or photo.

My Etsy Video Contest Winner